April 9, 2025: The Gross Lick

I still can’t believe I licked.

When I worked with teens years ago, I’d do all types of motivational stunts. Once, I made a promise: hit a fundraising goal, and I’ll lick peanut butter from someone’s armpit.

The target was absurdly high. Impossible, I thought.

The second I made that offer, it was like dangling a million-dollar prize. Those kids didn’t care about the money. They just wanted to see me suffer.

And they crushed it. Which is how I ended up licking PB — creamy not crunchy — out of said armpit. And yes, it was as disgusting as you’d imagine.

Fast-forward to today, and I’m reading about a company called Liquid Death. Despite the scary name, they sell canned water. Sparkling, flavored, even iced tea.

And it's their branding that sets them apart, leaning toward edgy with the tagline: “Murder your thirst.” Their can features a skull.

But one day, someone left this review: “I would rather lick the back of a sweaty fat man than drink Liquid Death.”

Instead of panicking, the brand embraced the chaos. They launched a “taste test” campaign that turned into a viral video. The challenge: try Liquid Death, then lick the back of a sweaty fat man and see which one you like better.

Yes, folks actually agreed to do this. And the test proved, in the company's words: “It’s official. 10 out of 10 real people prefer the taste of Liquid Death over licking the sweat off a fat guy’s back.”

They took a negative and flipped it into marketing gold. In case you’re wondering, the company is now the world’s fastest-growing beverage brand, valued at nearly $2 billion.

The moral: there’s a lot of moolah in the right kind of licks.

Suddenly, my peanut butter stunt feels like a missed business opportunity.