April 2, 2025: The Book of Ted

Back in grad school, I shared a house with some guys in Virginia Beach.

Two floors, five dudes, and somehow everyone clicked. Each evening, we watched sporting events together.

One of my roommates, Ted, was an eclectic guy we all loved. He had a knack for saying the wildest things, without even trying. A walking soundbite. It grew so consistently hilarious that another roommate started a document of his best quotes.

Thus emerged the legendary “Book of Ted”: a sacred text of hot takes, accidental wisdom, and absurd opinions. That was 30 years ago.

Recently, I caught up with an old roomie. “Still have the book,” he told me. I’m hoping for a copy soon.

Today I heard a one-liner that felt worthy of that collection — from a Harris Teeter cashier.

A sweet girl, probably in high school, scanned my pizza, paused, then reached for paper instead of plastic and said:

“Pizza just hits better in a paper bag.”

Completely deadpan.

It was so random, so perfectly odd, that I laughed out loud. And immediately thought of Ted.

Yes, his spirit lives on. There’s a new philosopher in town, and she works by aisle 10, near the frozen foods.