March 26, 2025: The Sadistic Experiment

We had to do it once a day in elementary school.

Swish.

A noun — and also, unfortunately, a verb.

Around mid-morning, the teacher gave the dreaded announcement, “It's time for Swish.” Groans would fill the classroom as little paper cups traveled down each row.

Then came the strange, greenish liquid, poured carefully into each cup. The adults called it fluoride. But to us, it was torture.

The teacher would glance at her watch and yell, “Go!”

And we had to swish Swish for 30 long seconds, then spit it back into the cup. Simple in theory. Terrible in execution.

Without fail, someone would always snort-laugh, sending a geyser of Swish erupting from their nose. On the other side of the room, another kid would accidentally swallow some and immediately gag, triggering a dramatic vomit. Every. Single. Day.

Those poor teachers deserved medals. Or therapy. Eventually, the program ended due to logistical nightmares and parent complaints.

Then there were the dye tablets. A sadistic experiment where we chewed pills that turned plaque neon red, exposing our bad brushing habits to the entire class. Public dental shaming at its finest. I'm still processing this trauma.

Recently, I read an article about toothbrushes and oral hygiene, and memories of Swish flooded back.

For instance:

• Brushing for 2 minutes is recommended, but most people only manage 45 seconds.

• Blue is the most popular toothbrush color.

• Some people actually skip brushing altogether on weekends.

So excuse me while I go scrub my teeth. At least no one’s forcing me to swish green goo on a timer anymore.